TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be remarkable. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Many of the most effective. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully from position. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable drinking water. But Sure, positive, let's have Yet another put where by American men can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though prior negotiations failed beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: supply everyone a set about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is delicate electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It can be that he must quit employing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the task, replied, "You are aware of, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Place, a characteristic currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after locating the developing's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not only unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Functions


Perhaps the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium exactly where visitors may possibly ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, total with climate Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are unsure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Method: "If You Bomb It, They can Come"


The advertisement marketing campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Forever."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "exactly where's the nearest elevator into the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is by now attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage may even involve:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel wherever my PTSD can have change-down company."


Yet Trump Tower Damascus another post from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Ideas from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It necessary gold. It required a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You're welcome."

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